Dear Self,
I have witnessed lately that you are progressively placing life into a deep dark lull of uncertainty. I recognise that life has been extraordinary this year, with ups and downs, and then time when nothing seems to change. I can also see that this is where you are right now. Stuck somewhere in between. Of what you are stuck between, I will never be sure. It is not easy to pull yourself out of this, and often we depend of external sources to help us.
Whether it is the fact that prince charming has not walked into your life and you play gooseberry with your happy couple friends, or that you cannot seem to organise yourself to prevent such a back lash of work, or that you feel like a complete nana and never seem to catch up on sleep, never fear. Things will change when they are ready too. Usually once you have adapted to the lull and found it as normality, your world will get tipped upside down once again and you'll start all over. Apparently life moves in cycles, I believe this is true. I notice that when one thing happens, a whole heap of things start cascading. Sometimes it is a great thing, however it is the way you handle it that will help you. The same applies with how you handle these frequent and unsatisfactory 'lulls'! Keep a positive frame of mind no matter how low the limbo goes. Easier said than done, I know.
In the end, the lull you have put yourself in is all made up. It is something you have created to explain what is going on in life, however your stories have an effect on how you are feeling. If you decide that you are the last single person on earth, then you are dotty. You are not, and if you think you are the only one seeking prince charming, then you are wrong. Yet if you keep telling yourself these stories then you will start believing in them and living by them. Break out of your little cycle of events. Things happen for a reason, just look for them and stop blinding yourself with your constant banter and moaning about life as it is. Appreciate the time you have for yourself and appreciate life on its lull before it gets tossed upside down again.
With love,
Me
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Something out of the Norm
The anticipation was lodged at the back of my throat,
My eyes strained against the sunlight as I battled to see,
I wanted to close my eyes and hope it would never happen,
Without the pain, without being witness to her fall,
There, she stood quivering in uncertainty,
Aware this was the end, like walking a plank,
Her balance became uneasy and the pain was trembling,
Right through from the roots of her existence,
Swaying like a boat on the rough Atlantic waters,
She began to cut through the air, slowly at first,
Though she had slipped into a soothing dream,
Allowing her spirit to drift into the unconcious,
Woken by a lash of energy,
A rush of adrenelin,
Shooting through her system,
Finally, she was at peace,
The aroma remained as though her spirit lingered,
Still present and living in disbelief,
Her body exhausted from weeping,
The marks were clear indication of the pain endured.
Her spirit lives on,
Delved in mistrust,
Disrespect from those,
Once held so close and dear,
She lives on in pain and fear.
~
Before your imaginations run wild... no I am not writing about a dead body.
My eyes strained against the sunlight as I battled to see,
I wanted to close my eyes and hope it would never happen,
Without the pain, without being witness to her fall,
There, she stood quivering in uncertainty,
Aware this was the end, like walking a plank,
Her balance became uneasy and the pain was trembling,
Right through from the roots of her existence,
Swaying like a boat on the rough Atlantic waters,
She began to cut through the air, slowly at first,
Though she had slipped into a soothing dream,
Allowing her spirit to drift into the unconcious,
Woken by a lash of energy,
A rush of adrenelin,
Shooting through her system,
Finally, she was at peace,
The aroma remained as though her spirit lingered,
Still present and living in disbelief,
Her body exhausted from weeping,
The marks were clear indication of the pain endured.
Her spirit lives on,
Delved in mistrust,
Disrespect from those,
Once held so close and dear,
She lives on in pain and fear.
~
Before your imaginations run wild... no I am not writing about a dead body.
Dawn of the Dead...
School holidays, it is presumed that teachers go on holiday for two weeks, chilling out and doing nothing. I'll let you into a secret, that is partly what we do! But face it, 25 children every day, 25 personalities, 25 individual people all wanting you and your attention... we need a break! Within schools, it is well known that the holidays mean a break for our bodies, which also means, we get sick! All of a sudden, the lingering bugs that the snotty nosed children have passed on to us have a chance to take over our bodies. These school holidays, it did just that.
I had planned with great delight, to head off for a roadtrip for a few days of the holidays. Although I was headed out on my lonesome, I had planned to visit friends down by the mountains and also near the lakes. After a five hour drive, I arrived in the mountains. Within one night of staying there, I could feel it. Creeping from my shoulders, to my neck and onwards to my head. It was taking over.
One evening I was sat in front of the fire, shivering. With a fever and general feeling of crap, I felt like a burden on the guys I was staying with. Appart from feeling like a Zombie, I very much appreciated being looked after and being surrounded by good company. Everyone hates being alone and sick. Making your own medicine and generally having to look after yourself far more than usual! I can always relate to feeling like a child when I am sick, dependent on someone to make me feel better, to be waited on hand and foot and generally be cared for. Everyone feels like that Zombie at some point in time, this is an appreciation to people that have the patience to care for others at such times.
My second part of this blog reflects on the first week of holidays with my mum.
When school finished, I went to visit my parents for a few days. As usual the weekend was full of conversations, wine and home cooked meals! The conversation of exercise came up, we chatted about motivation to go out and try things. Mum and I agreed most people just need a kick up the bum from a friend to get out and try out new activities and exercise classes! In my motivation state of mind, I persuaded Mum to come to Zumba with me. As the HOT new crazy in New Zealand, I was interested to see what it was like and have a good giggle. Mum and I spent an hour wiggling our hips and trying to step to some sort of rythmn! It was a great experience and we thoroughly enjoyed laughing at each other.
I had heard from a friend that there was a local badminton club that run on Tuesday mornings. As I was on holidays, I persuaded Mum to come along and have a hit with me. We were greeted by a fantastic bunch of retired folks, most had had hip or knee replacements! Two hours of frantic badminton, I had blisters on my hands! I can openly admit that those old folks ran rings around me! I couldn't believe just how active they were! It was great fun and exactly what Mum and I wanted to find! Nothing too competitive. All in all, by the time I left Mum and Dad's and headed back to Auckland, I had pulled many muscles in my arms. BUT, it felt great to do something out of our comfort zone.
Stepping out of that comfort zone and doing something different did wonders for our self-confidence! Later that week, when I went on my roadtrip to the mountains, I stayed with people from Argentina. I found myself a little out of my comfort zone when it came to talking and listening, helping the guys practise their English and allowing them to teach me Spanish! Was great fun, but challenging at the same time and I came away more confident with not only my own language but that of Spanish as well.
This blog is very topsy turvy! Sorry! But I have completed Z...! Now to go back to X... I may postpone it for my new blog.
I had planned with great delight, to head off for a roadtrip for a few days of the holidays. Although I was headed out on my lonesome, I had planned to visit friends down by the mountains and also near the lakes. After a five hour drive, I arrived in the mountains. Within one night of staying there, I could feel it. Creeping from my shoulders, to my neck and onwards to my head. It was taking over.
One evening I was sat in front of the fire, shivering. With a fever and general feeling of crap, I felt like a burden on the guys I was staying with. Appart from feeling like a Zombie, I very much appreciated being looked after and being surrounded by good company. Everyone hates being alone and sick. Making your own medicine and generally having to look after yourself far more than usual! I can always relate to feeling like a child when I am sick, dependent on someone to make me feel better, to be waited on hand and foot and generally be cared for. Everyone feels like that Zombie at some point in time, this is an appreciation to people that have the patience to care for others at such times.
My second part of this blog reflects on the first week of holidays with my mum.
When school finished, I went to visit my parents for a few days. As usual the weekend was full of conversations, wine and home cooked meals! The conversation of exercise came up, we chatted about motivation to go out and try things. Mum and I agreed most people just need a kick up the bum from a friend to get out and try out new activities and exercise classes! In my motivation state of mind, I persuaded Mum to come to Zumba with me. As the HOT new crazy in New Zealand, I was interested to see what it was like and have a good giggle. Mum and I spent an hour wiggling our hips and trying to step to some sort of rythmn! It was a great experience and we thoroughly enjoyed laughing at each other.
I had heard from a friend that there was a local badminton club that run on Tuesday mornings. As I was on holidays, I persuaded Mum to come along and have a hit with me. We were greeted by a fantastic bunch of retired folks, most had had hip or knee replacements! Two hours of frantic badminton, I had blisters on my hands! I can openly admit that those old folks ran rings around me! I couldn't believe just how active they were! It was great fun and exactly what Mum and I wanted to find! Nothing too competitive. All in all, by the time I left Mum and Dad's and headed back to Auckland, I had pulled many muscles in my arms. BUT, it felt great to do something out of our comfort zone.
Stepping out of that comfort zone and doing something different did wonders for our self-confidence! Later that week, when I went on my roadtrip to the mountains, I stayed with people from Argentina. I found myself a little out of my comfort zone when it came to talking and listening, helping the guys practise their English and allowing them to teach me Spanish! Was great fun, but challenging at the same time and I came away more confident with not only my own language but that of Spanish as well.
This blog is very topsy turvy! Sorry! But I have completed Z...! Now to go back to X... I may postpone it for my new blog.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
The Forgotten...
Okay... So I forgot X... I was hoping no one would notice... But my Mother did.
I will come back later and write about X...
I will come back later and write about X...
A Measurement of Time...
There are not many words beginning with the letter Y... However the most obvious has struck me, poked me, and squealed 'Write about me!'. This is the second to last letter in my alphabet of appreciation, it seems to sum up a lot of what has been said before.
At the beginning of this month, I celebrated having been in New Zealand for 5 whole years. Five years of pain, tears, growing stronger, laughter, smiles but most importantly, finding myself.
When I was 14, I found it surreal that my parents would ever consider moving lock stock and barrel to another country. I was getting used to moving around Hampshire, but the other side of the world was a whole different matter. Unaware of what would lay ahead of us. I jumped at the opportunity to do something a little different in life.
At the age of 17, we were renting a cute, yet slightly creepy and extremely damp house that looked over the most magical inlet of water, known as Scotts Landing. We had packed up the contents of our house in England into a blue container and waited just over a month for it to arrive in Auckland. After travelling for three months prior, we were used to not having our stuff and when it finally arrived, it was like Christmas all over again. The first few months we attempted to find our feet. Dad found a job and started experiencing the Kiwi way of life, as Mum and I remained ladies of leisure and explored the local area for a few weeks until we got bored!
Moving away from family and friends never gets easier. You miss them, as if someone is tearing your heart out sometimes. Selfish as it may seem, we all have opportunities that come to our lives, however it is the ones we choose to follow that shape and change us. I have come to accept distance. I hate it, I hate that I have not been present for most of my nephews' lives, I hate how I did not attend my Grandad's funeral. I hated sitting on the plane for 24 hours in anticipation of being reunited with loved ones. It is what it is. I have learnt to live, accept and never regret the life I have chosen.
The five years I have lived in New Zealand have taught me well. I cannot say I have always had the best of luck with experiences, but each has been a lesson. A lesson I may have never experienced if I had not taken the opportunity. Moving here was not easy and I believe for at least the first 3 years we each had problems of home sickness. It was probably easier for me being at university, to meet people, yet it did not cure that yearning for my friends in England. While I was at university, I was also unable to join my parents of their trips back to England each year. It would have been awesome to attend my brothers wedding. However, I had built up a front, I knew deep down that if I went back to England, I would have easily stayed or lived with the pain of homesickness for months after.
When I returned to England over Christmas 2009, I was captured by the love and security I felt being back in the land where I knew the customs. By the end of the 6 weeks, I was debating whether to ditch the job offer in NZ and go back home. England had once again caught me hook, line and sinker. I was affraid of it. For years I had lived in denial saying I could never move back, mainly because I had determination to make life work no matter what happened. However, this story I had been telling myself turned out to be lies. At that point in time, I could have easily slotted back into life in England.
After arriving back to NZ, I was almost adament to get back on a plane and rejoin my sister in the snow. Months passed, life carried on, as does everyone elses, things became difficult and stressful, but the only way I coped was with the friends I have made around me and the personality I have built to deal with life as I know it.
The biggest realisation, is that life moves on. Some people change, some stay the same, some move away. If I was to move back to England, it would be lovely to see everyone again and be surrounded by familiar faces, however, months down the line, I would encounter the same difficulties I have had over here, as funny as it sounds I suddenly wouldn't be the token girl that lives in NZ instead I would be the one that just moved back!!
I thank the last five years for teaching and guiding me to be who I am today, with the life I have lived, the tears I have cried, the laughter, the smiles. It was all worth it.
At the beginning of this month, I celebrated having been in New Zealand for 5 whole years. Five years of pain, tears, growing stronger, laughter, smiles but most importantly, finding myself.
When I was 14, I found it surreal that my parents would ever consider moving lock stock and barrel to another country. I was getting used to moving around Hampshire, but the other side of the world was a whole different matter. Unaware of what would lay ahead of us. I jumped at the opportunity to do something a little different in life.
At the age of 17, we were renting a cute, yet slightly creepy and extremely damp house that looked over the most magical inlet of water, known as Scotts Landing. We had packed up the contents of our house in England into a blue container and waited just over a month for it to arrive in Auckland. After travelling for three months prior, we were used to not having our stuff and when it finally arrived, it was like Christmas all over again. The first few months we attempted to find our feet. Dad found a job and started experiencing the Kiwi way of life, as Mum and I remained ladies of leisure and explored the local area for a few weeks until we got bored!
Moving away from family and friends never gets easier. You miss them, as if someone is tearing your heart out sometimes. Selfish as it may seem, we all have opportunities that come to our lives, however it is the ones we choose to follow that shape and change us. I have come to accept distance. I hate it, I hate that I have not been present for most of my nephews' lives, I hate how I did not attend my Grandad's funeral. I hated sitting on the plane for 24 hours in anticipation of being reunited with loved ones. It is what it is. I have learnt to live, accept and never regret the life I have chosen.
The five years I have lived in New Zealand have taught me well. I cannot say I have always had the best of luck with experiences, but each has been a lesson. A lesson I may have never experienced if I had not taken the opportunity. Moving here was not easy and I believe for at least the first 3 years we each had problems of home sickness. It was probably easier for me being at university, to meet people, yet it did not cure that yearning for my friends in England. While I was at university, I was also unable to join my parents of their trips back to England each year. It would have been awesome to attend my brothers wedding. However, I had built up a front, I knew deep down that if I went back to England, I would have easily stayed or lived with the pain of homesickness for months after.
When I returned to England over Christmas 2009, I was captured by the love and security I felt being back in the land where I knew the customs. By the end of the 6 weeks, I was debating whether to ditch the job offer in NZ and go back home. England had once again caught me hook, line and sinker. I was affraid of it. For years I had lived in denial saying I could never move back, mainly because I had determination to make life work no matter what happened. However, this story I had been telling myself turned out to be lies. At that point in time, I could have easily slotted back into life in England.
After arriving back to NZ, I was almost adament to get back on a plane and rejoin my sister in the snow. Months passed, life carried on, as does everyone elses, things became difficult and stressful, but the only way I coped was with the friends I have made around me and the personality I have built to deal with life as I know it.
The biggest realisation, is that life moves on. Some people change, some stay the same, some move away. If I was to move back to England, it would be lovely to see everyone again and be surrounded by familiar faces, however, months down the line, I would encounter the same difficulties I have had over here, as funny as it sounds I suddenly wouldn't be the token girl that lives in NZ instead I would be the one that just moved back!!
I thank the last five years for teaching and guiding me to be who I am today, with the life I have lived, the tears I have cried, the laughter, the smiles. It was all worth it.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Dub dub dub...
I have been sat here, procrastinating for at least an hour. With an array of work and planning spread out in front of me, but no inspiration or sparks of enlightenment!
As I was concentrating on driving in a straight line on this very blustery Sunday afternoon, one of my all time favourite songs started playing while my ipod was on shuffle. The song in particular made me think of being back in England over Christmas. The freedom and enjoyment I had when driving up and down, between Hampshire and Wales, visiting friends along the way. It made me think of how far away I feel sometimes, the times when you want to feel close to the people back at home, you often feel even futher apart. As I was driving and listening to this amazing song, I was thinking of just how much I appreciate the messages I recieve on the internet. As the internet is not quite like a phone call, which usually has to be planned a week in advance in order to fit into scheduals and time differences, it is nice to drop a note or a message to friends to let them know how much we think and care about them.
The world wide web can be a dangerous place in the hands of the inconciderate people that may use it for the wrong reasons. However, I have been a member of social sites for a while now, updating pictures, my status and sending messages to old friends from school. Sometimes, when I am talking to friends online, I feel like I could just jump in the car and go catch them for coffee or a catch up, forgetting that they are still half way around the world. With thanks to the internet, it is nice to feel close to people even half way around the world. Writing letters to each other is exciting and a lovely suprise, however for those busy people with busy lives, it is great to log on and have a quick catch up, keeping those connections to the people and places in life.
I miss people abroad a great deal. With friends all over Europe, I am appreciative of the world wide web (www. or dub dub dub) to enable people to keep in contact. To add to that, I love webcam's. I love how my brother will pop the webcam on and I immediately see my gorgeous nephew beaming at the picture on the screen. However much I wish I was there to give him a big scrumptous kiss, it makes me appreciate the times I do see the little fella online. I also love being able to catch my best friend online, to laugh at each other sat in our pajamas with bed-hair due to the time in the day that we chat!
Thank you internet! :) - I forgot to mention how much I hate the internet when it crashes etc... but I will keep it jolly and happy and ignore that side of it!
As I was concentrating on driving in a straight line on this very blustery Sunday afternoon, one of my all time favourite songs started playing while my ipod was on shuffle. The song in particular made me think of being back in England over Christmas. The freedom and enjoyment I had when driving up and down, between Hampshire and Wales, visiting friends along the way. It made me think of how far away I feel sometimes, the times when you want to feel close to the people back at home, you often feel even futher apart. As I was driving and listening to this amazing song, I was thinking of just how much I appreciate the messages I recieve on the internet. As the internet is not quite like a phone call, which usually has to be planned a week in advance in order to fit into scheduals and time differences, it is nice to drop a note or a message to friends to let them know how much we think and care about them.
The world wide web can be a dangerous place in the hands of the inconciderate people that may use it for the wrong reasons. However, I have been a member of social sites for a while now, updating pictures, my status and sending messages to old friends from school. Sometimes, when I am talking to friends online, I feel like I could just jump in the car and go catch them for coffee or a catch up, forgetting that they are still half way around the world. With thanks to the internet, it is nice to feel close to people even half way around the world. Writing letters to each other is exciting and a lovely suprise, however for those busy people with busy lives, it is great to log on and have a quick catch up, keeping those connections to the people and places in life.
I miss people abroad a great deal. With friends all over Europe, I am appreciative of the world wide web (www. or dub dub dub) to enable people to keep in contact. To add to that, I love webcam's. I love how my brother will pop the webcam on and I immediately see my gorgeous nephew beaming at the picture on the screen. However much I wish I was there to give him a big scrumptous kiss, it makes me appreciate the times I do see the little fella online. I also love being able to catch my best friend online, to laugh at each other sat in our pajamas with bed-hair due to the time in the day that we chat!
Thank you internet! :) - I forgot to mention how much I hate the internet when it crashes etc... but I will keep it jolly and happy and ignore that side of it!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Vengance...
It has taken me AGES to think of something beginning with V that I would actually be able to write about! You may think this is a rather peculiar topic, I would have to agree. Yes it is. However within this blog, I am going to be brutally honest! One day, it might coming back to haunt me! Who knows!
I was chatting to my flatmate today, often we have very random conversations. He has heard it all, when my parents were away, when my friends weren't around. I bitched and slagged to the poor boy. With knowledge of who I am and what I am like, he's a pretty good councillor! Today I was reflecting on certain topics that have come up in the recent months.
Having being single for a good few months now, Jordan has heard all about the text messages, the emails and the people I have met lately! Like anyone would, you come across the guys that are a complete waste of time. It's not until you have been slapped around the face with reality that you realise just how much of a waste it was. However, we learn from that!
There is one person in particular, I feel that the dust has not yet settled. Maybe I am complicated, maybe I am just normal, but when you start seeing someone, you presume there should be a certain amount of communication. Unless they really dislike you, then it makes you wonder what they are doing playing you around in the first place. Although I feel I have moved on from the situation, there is still that feeling... that bitter and chilling feeling that creeps out on the occasion. A feeling that only really emerges when you have been hurt in some form. It doesn't have to be a knife through the heart, but enough to make you think twice about who you are.
Vengance or revenge is definately frowned upon in society. It is certainly not encouraged. However, I find myself, naturally, seeking some kind of retribution in these situations. It doesn't have to be big, but enough to make that person think twice about how they treat other people. It is not a great trait to admit to. Really I am just filling this space on my blog. But also I am admitting to myself something I do that I am not that proud of. These people that hurt others in this way, are worth nothing. If they have no respect for others, then how can they encourage respect in return? I try to take the attitude of 'water off a ducks back', which is easier said than done! I have to come to grips with the fact that, these people will learn, maybe not now but in their own time, when they are open minded enough to approach that situation.
Thankfully, after talking to my flatmate, I realised I am not the only person that feels that way!
I was chatting to my flatmate today, often we have very random conversations. He has heard it all, when my parents were away, when my friends weren't around. I bitched and slagged to the poor boy. With knowledge of who I am and what I am like, he's a pretty good councillor! Today I was reflecting on certain topics that have come up in the recent months.
Having being single for a good few months now, Jordan has heard all about the text messages, the emails and the people I have met lately! Like anyone would, you come across the guys that are a complete waste of time. It's not until you have been slapped around the face with reality that you realise just how much of a waste it was. However, we learn from that!
There is one person in particular, I feel that the dust has not yet settled. Maybe I am complicated, maybe I am just normal, but when you start seeing someone, you presume there should be a certain amount of communication. Unless they really dislike you, then it makes you wonder what they are doing playing you around in the first place. Although I feel I have moved on from the situation, there is still that feeling... that bitter and chilling feeling that creeps out on the occasion. A feeling that only really emerges when you have been hurt in some form. It doesn't have to be a knife through the heart, but enough to make you think twice about who you are.
Vengance or revenge is definately frowned upon in society. It is certainly not encouraged. However, I find myself, naturally, seeking some kind of retribution in these situations. It doesn't have to be big, but enough to make that person think twice about how they treat other people. It is not a great trait to admit to. Really I am just filling this space on my blog. But also I am admitting to myself something I do that I am not that proud of. These people that hurt others in this way, are worth nothing. If they have no respect for others, then how can they encourage respect in return? I try to take the attitude of 'water off a ducks back', which is easier said than done! I have to come to grips with the fact that, these people will learn, maybe not now but in their own time, when they are open minded enough to approach that situation.
Thankfully, after talking to my flatmate, I realised I am not the only person that feels that way!
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