Spontaneous Fun...

Not too long ago, I read a book about a girl suffering from cancer. A common storyline in the recent theatre scene. This book was written in first person, it was similar to a diary account of the last few months of her life. On the days when she felt ok, she would set herself challenges. On one particular day, her challenge was to say 'Yes' to everything. It lead her to extraordinary experiences based on having freedom from the mind.



All too often, we spend too long debating what to do, not just with our long term plans, also with our near future. Tossing up the pros and cons, never allowing the freedom to just try. Do I leave for work early, I might hit traffic, it would mean getting up early, but I'd be less flustered and would have time for coffee. Constantly creating a conversation in our head!

Spontaneous times are the best and most memorable. Quite often I will drag my friend Roshni out, not knowing what we are truly looking for, just something to pop up and inspire us. Automatically, we plan ahead and follow the instructions of life, we drive through life simply taking the motorway, changing lanes from time to time heading from one major city to another, but never turning off for diversions down the smaller more unknown back roads!

On Thursday, I finished a shift at the cafe a couple of hours early, I've been working there over summer to save the extra cents and pennies. After a long night with limited sleep before hand, I generally felt like hitting the hay and spending the remainder of the day in bed. However my friend Ben had proposed taking me out for another surf session. After the last session, I was quite reserved about being chucked around and crashed upon by waves again.

As I was about to leave the beach having been for a swim with the parents, I drove passed Ben knowing he was hunting me down to glue me to the surf board again! Leaving the car with my parents, I grabbed my towel and newly purchased rash vest and jumped into Ben's van. With the ska music playing and the random conversations beginning to spark, we took a little road trip out to Tawharanui beach and spent half an hour catching waves and getting dunked in pools of slimey weed.




The spontaneous times with no idea what to expect are fabulous. No judgement or expectations to live up to, purely going with the flow of life. A little like art. Hard to plan, best to go with the feel of the brush! It's almost like life has a rythmn, and often we try and go against the rythmn without listening and just allowing our bodies to move with it.

The Act of Balance

Maybe it was the surf lesson from Monday that inspired me to this blog. Knowing just how difficult it is to learn to balance on a board, I believe it is just as difficult finding that balance in life. I've been seeking it for sometime and I am now coming to the agreement that my life is just meant to be scatty and unplanned with a mix of good and bad shaken and stirred into a life that is totally unwilling to balance itself into normality anytime soon.




Life is an ever occuring act of balance. When something good happens, it is balanced out with the bad. Only when we have experienced both sides of the scales may we appreciate the here and now in our lives.

Having thought I had turned to a new chapter in life, with unusual and daring prospects ahead, I have realise that I cannot appreciate every element of this without actually living it. Having a matter of weeks left in the country has established boundaries on certain elements of life. The last week I've come to discover that the good guys who offer the support and care I have been seeking for so long, come with the package of commitment, which unfortunatly I cannot offer. One taste of truth and reality when you plan to leave the country for a period of time!

The annoying thing is the tempted mind. Tempted by the known comfort, support and love that could be established by staying in one place. Knowing how hard and insecure the next year will be on my own, settling into a relationship does seem very tempting.

Staying positive about the unknown ahead is easy at times but often I am brought back to reality by emotions and the materialistic side of life. Money, chance, love. The big 'What if?'. When this comes to mind, I remind myself of what I would like in my life. If I gave up now, I would always know that I never quite got to where I wanted to be and that I gave up while in pursuit.

No barriers, only hurdles. Or waves in the case of surfing! To be tackled mind, body and heart.

Have a Little Patience...

"Patience is a virtue" my mum would say, as I would jump up and down waiting for a proper answer to what seemed like a life or death situation! It is all well and good being told to display patience in those situations, however unless you have a hint of what the end result might be, you feel like there is no time to sit around to wait and see!

It takes me back to my good ol' cafe working days. The witty and dry humour of elderly people always kept me amused. It was the, "Date or cheese?" replied by "Oh a date with you my dear anyday!! Oh you meant the scones..." It always made me smile through gritted teeth knowing that he wouldn't be the only one that said it that day. However, it's the ladies that used to test my patience, they never quite understood how to wait for their coffee or tea and were constantly asking where it was, knowing too well that they placed their order a maximum of 30 seconds ago!
It must have been hard to learn such values from that generation. Knowing that many of them have probably been psychologically scarred from the rationing times, back in the day, they want what they can get NOW as if they're scared of it running out or never getting their share!

In our classroom, I must say we are blessed with patient children. The children know each other very well and if one is struggling they have the patience and care to offer. I was watching the other day as the children were creating fabric flowers for Christmas presents. One of the boys, who admittedly does not have the best hand eye coordination, was ready to start using the hot glue gun to stick his circles of fabric together. It was then, that one of the older girls offered to show him how it's done. He was quite unwilling to recieve her help, but she persisted until she felt that he was confident to do it himself. It was lovely to see her patience for a child who, in all honesty, was quite rude about recieving her help.

The last few weeks have been a test of patiences on behalf of all teachers, end of year reports are to blame! Yet with reports now out of the way and only 7 days left at school, the stress bubble has burst. End of year preparations are being delt with and closeure to a rollercoaster year is in sight.

The last few weeks, I have noticed the level of my patience, or lack of. It seemed at one point that certain aspects of life were dragging. School felt manic and I felt in the awkward bubble of the unknown at home. I couldn't figure out where to start. The last week, I stepped into gear. I have sold some furniture, reserved a space at a car boot sale, sorted through items for the car boot, arranged appointments regarding loans for next year, I have booked to attend a course in January that will give me a certificate for teaching English abroad, I have booked my flights to England and booked accommodation in Malaysia. On top of that, I have also caught up with some wonderful people this week, either for lunch or movies or just over the phone. Full on, but bursting with enthusiasm now.

Next time I feel in a lull, I should remember to find patience, not to be one of those old biddies wondering where her hot drink is. I need to remember to have faith that the time will come to allow for other thigns to slot into place.

Grape Juice

Thousands of years have passed and yet the elegance and enjoyment of the alcoholic beverage has not ceased. With remnants first discovered in Georgia and Iran, it has travelled through time and explored the world.

I find that these days, the culture within young people is all about who can get the most inebriated and make a fool out of themselves, to win the popularity award for that particular night. If it's a really good night, it often ends up bent over the toilet. What a waste of money?




It has taken me a few years to develop a taste for good wine. I think the taste and the development has always gone hand in hand with the company it is consumed with. I have always enjoyed going to my parents house at the weekend and cracking open the wine, it seems to enhance not only the home cooked meal but also the alternative conversations that seem to crop up!

Yesterday I was contemplating the amount of wine I have consumed the last week, then I smiled at the thought that the wine complimented the company I kept. Two evenings last week, I came home from work, after what seemed like an exhausting time, and settled into the evening with a glass of wine, company of my flatmates girlfriend and good chick flick movies (including the box of tissues). It was exactly what I needed, and the conversations spread into all types of topics, a very enjoyable few evenings and glasses of wine!

Saturday was quite an eventful day in regards to the fact that I was plunged into a pool of water over twenty times by the delightful children in my class. Thankfully, I had the support of my parents who agreed to take me out for a late lunch, sadly I hadn't eaten a lot that day, due to the worry of it coming back up to see the light of day; if not with nerves, by being submerged into a giant bucket. I was treated to a lovely late lunch, Dad sat with his Diet Coke, while Mum and I sipped on our wine that had been recommended to us as a match to our meal. Felt like ladies of leisure, in saying that, I think I earnt that glass of wine!

(Not the greatest picture of me getting dunked...but you get the idea!)



Wine is not just to be enjoyed for its sheer taste, but for the giggles and fanciful conversations to be had.

Suzi vs. The Goldmember

With every hill we climb, there is always the run and a skip on the way down. This last weekend proved to be quite eventful. Since my parents went back to England for three months, I have driven my Dads car. Suzi the vitara is a bit of a beast. She is a mighty girl with a lot of ‘go’ under her bonnet and has been fairly reliable the last five months. With the music going and the horn honking, Suzi has taken me on road trips to Wellington, Ohakune and Rotorua. It’s hard for Suzi, being a rebound from my Corolla. I still feel no car will match my mighty white Corolla! Suzi is not as nippy or as fuel efficient, however, people don’t mess with her like they used to with Rolla. Being a small car can’t be easy, everyone is under the false assumption that a small car is a pile of old crap and that it won’t go very fast. Well let me tell you, my little Rolla was the most reliable and won races against Skyliners, often when they didn’t even consider a race! Our cars have personality, not like that on Disney, but a persona that is also carried by the driver.

As it was my Dads birthday at the weekend, I called him up on Saturday morning and proposed the idea that we go out West Auckland to some of the beautiful beaches out there. I chose to take them to Karekare beach, a beautiful yet windy place that I visited with a friend a few months prior. We all piled into Suzi on Saturday afternoon and started the journey out west.

The roads to the western beaches are steep and windy; twisting from this way to that, the type of road you can do a maximum of 50km, unless you really know the roads and your car. As we descended down the hill side, I was reminded of a sound that Suzi started making a few weeks back. Suzi was getting, what sounded like a bit of arthritis in her limbs, every time we turned into the driveway or such, she would make a little clunk, almost like a groan. This hillside seemed to maximise Suzi’s pain. She began to clunk and groan on every turn. Sometimes just to the right, or just to the left, it was becoming irregular and a little worrying.

We arrived at the beach late afternoon, and although the sand had been heated by the warmth of the sun, the wind was still bitterly cold. The three of us spent an hour walking and mulling around taking in the sheer beauty of the volcanic black sand beach. When realising the time and remembering we were going out later in the evening, we hastily returned to Suzi.




After the drive down the hill, I asked Dad to drive back as the clunking noise Suzi was making was starting to worry me. I didn’t want to be the culprit that hurt her! We began our journey back up the hill, around the chaotic hairpin bends. The clunking started getting louder and more regular, I began to wince on every bend. Expecting the worst to happen! One bend in particular was more ferocious than first thought and as Dad swung the car into the bend, there was an almighty scraping clunk. Unlike the regular clunking we had become immune to, it contributed to a slight rolling feeling. I couldn’t work out if it was my fear playing tricks on me, but from then on, I was freaked!

We drove as slowly as we could without irritating the drivers behind us, pulling over every so often to let the tailgaters pass. As we drove home we discussed what to do with the car. Worried that I would be left without a car, I said to Dad about buying a cheap run around. That’s when the idea popped into Dads head. My friend Eugene is a bit of a master at owning and selling cars. In the few years of driving he has had more cars than hot dinners. Each one, bought, cleaned, spruced up in some way and then sold on. I text him, out of curiosity to see if he had a spare car floating around that I would be able to borrow. His reply was almost immediate and stated that I could borrow his little car, aka the Goldmember. As he is picked up for work and dropped off, it worked out well that he was able to lend me his little car.

Sunday rocked around and Eugene came to drop off the car, we had planned that I would take him back to his house out west (okay, yes this story does sound a little westie). I am pretty confident that I can sit in a car and know how to make it drive. However Goldmember was an exception to the rule. Although I have the know-how to make her drive, it was the routine that was failing me! After being greeted by the dented golden exterior, I jumped in the driver’s seat to feel like I had jumped back in time. The interior was a faded chocolate brown, with a smell that seems to linger in all old cars. With a 1.5 litre engine, 4 gear automatic, I thought to myself that the little Mazda would have been the bees’ knees in its day! Eugene explain about Goldmember’s trouble with reverse and that she needs the help of a choke to get her going when she’s cold. As she was warm from driving to my house, I had no trouble starting the car. As I swung her automatic lever into reverse, I begun to turn the wheel to realise that there was no power steering. At this point I also realised just how weak my arms were!

With Eugene safely dropped off and sometime in the car on my way home, I had begun to get used to the personality of this car. It made me smile just how old and comical it must look on the road. Monday morning came, and with the knowledge of an automatic engine that tends to kick in at least five seconds after you put your foot on the throttle, I decided to get up five minutes early to reduce the risk of hitting too much traffic at the end of the driveway. Off I potter down the path, bags in the back seat, I sat in the driving seat and went to turn the car on. After three attempts and the choke pulled out all the way, I put her in reverse, only to find that as soon as I went to pull away, she stooled. More gas. Damn.




As I drove to work that morning, I laughed. Out loud! I laughed at the old, unreliable car and the coincidence that it was actually what I was counting on for reliability! I put my trust in that car to get me to and from school. Later in the day, I pulled up at the water front to go for a walk along the beach, unaware that the choke was still pulled out, I came to a stop in a parking space and was completely freaked out to find the engine revving over two thousand rev’s! Unable to work out why, I immediately turned the car off and started laughing at myself. Only then did I notice the family of people walking passed, watching me and having a good giggle. I have found myself laughing at the thought of me driving that car every day, I appreciate that car so much, however tragic it sounds! I believe the character and personality of that car has made it all the more amusing and eventful! Thank you Goldmember for stepping in while Suzi was sick!

A Cocktail of Lifes Wants and Needs and the Juice that Holds it Together.

'We spend most of our lives conjugating three verbs: to want, to have, and to do.' - Evelyn Underhill

I have written two blogs in the last few weeks that I have not posted, for what reason? Who knows. I am feeling a slight writers block, as I have so much to write but not entirely sure how to let it out...

Maria Montessori wrote a book about what she calls 'The Human Potential'. She stated that every child is born with potential. Potential to be anything or anyone they can imagine. As a child, there are no limits. No one to say that they can't do something. Until they reach an age where they start failing tests or are bullied for some reason or another. Suddenly their perspective of their own potential is shattered and for what? Someone elses judgement?

I was looking through my school exam results this week and chatting to my parents about school and college. The academic side of life seemed to come very easy to my brother, however the rest of us were not the sharpest tools in the shed. Reading through comments that teachers had made about my progress and my grades was enlightening. Although I struggled through school and college, I still feel like I am on my way to succeeding my own potential. It's just my potential did not lay within exam rooms! My Mum was also the same, and although she was terribly hurt by comments that teachers made at school, she still succeeded to be an amazing nurse. There may not be mountains of money sailing into our bank accounts, but the occupations offer us a different reward. Giving and guiding life. Seems like a pretty big job when you consider that some people sit behind a desk all day and determine the interest in wealthy bank accounts. Somehow though, everyone has a use. Whether it is their human potential, only they know.

I visited a friend last week who I met through a course I did a few years ago, it made me recap over things I had learnt when I did the very expensive but amazing course. It offered us the chance to look at life differently, and however much you battle not to get sucked in and fight that your life is perfectly fine and didn't need the course, you get drawn by the sheer transformation in other people. I met people from all walks of life, I truly wondered if I was in the right place. With alcoholics, drug dealers, people going through divorce, business men, I felt slightly out of place. However, I wasn't the only one. For three days, we sat and listened, sharing stories of different experiences, they were related and explained by different theories. At the time I felt like the course was trying to offer answers to things, that I had determind, didn't need answers. It took weeks until I could feel the effects of everything. I am so proud of the amazing friends I met, those 2 years ago. Even now, I know I can count on their support and kind words to guide me. After the course, I began to let down the barriers I had quite amazingly built over the years. I found the confidence to dance, I found the confidence to stand up for myself within work and most importantly I discovered the art of patience and communication, not just with others, but with myself. I figured out my own personality, and began to learn how to react to things in life effectively.

Nothing can take that knowledge away from me, however from time to time, I have to dust the book of knowledge and recap over somethings.

The quote at the beginning is true. Life is never complete unless we have, want or do something. Goals and aspirations are hard to avoid in life! A few months ago, I knew I needed more knowledge to teach in the Montessori field of education. I then decided I wanted to do further study. That is exactly what I am going to do. Without certain elements that have happened the last few years, I am quite sure, I would never have had the determination or confidence to hand in my notice at my first professional place of work.

At the beginning of September, I applied to study in Italy. I have no money saved and have no idea how on earth I will go through with this. But I know I will. Last week, I recieved my letter of acceptence. Italia...here I come!

One of the unpublished blogs I wrote lately, was about how people move on. My ex has successfully moved on and found himself a girl that I am sure is worthy of his love. I have moved on and found a path to my own potential in life. Happiness in two different ways, one is shared in a partnership...the other a quality of life that appeals to me. I may have missed out on my opportunities with some, but have opened up others else where in life.

Spontaneous Decisions

I am sat here at 1-2am, under the influence of 3 glasses of wine, after watching a good philosophical movie plus an emotional rollercoaster of an evening dealing with my own feelings and the tough topic of the opposite sex.

This psychological lull I have found myself in lately, has very much depended on external sources. One of which I confronted today. With great heartache, yet delight I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders. Once again I have placed myself in the 'I'm sick of getting messed around' category of single women. Two weeks ago, I thought I had swam to the surface of that story. Assuming that I had come out of it, I refused to think the worst of a situation.

Today, after spending a lot of time in the lurch- which I find a lot of men do and just don't care that they are treating a woman like that...or just don't even realise- I had a text that confirmed that, well... it was just not meant to be. Silence was how I reacted on the surface, but deep inside me there was rage. Rage that I could, once again, slip into this slimey repetative circle that seems to encompass me.

I realise I had not broken free from that single woman category I had placed myself in. Instead, I am leading myself to believe that men live with no acknowledgement of how the system of feelings and emotions operates in the opposite sex. I know there are guys out there that do, I respect them, but it seems that the men who do have an acknowledgement and an appreciation for how women feel, are all gone...taken...vanished from the streets of singlehood. And to be honest... Good on them! Now I am starting to ramble...Appologies!

This evening, I had the message that made me feel sick. Sick that I had wasted my time and effort on someone who turned out not worthy of it (or maybe they are but will never show it to me). I went to meet a friend in town for a wine. To be honest I do not know this friend exceedingly well, but we have a meeting point, a mutual understanding about men. I realised that, you don't have to know someone greatly, to have a spark, to have that great conversation and to make each other feel better. We poured our hearts out. She said things to me that have cemented in my mind and made me consider things on an entirely different level. We came to the conclusion that all we had found in the likes of single men were...excuse my language...a'holes. We discussed difficulties we have when it comes to moving on from men like the ones we found, and although it is not love, we struggle to be those ideal girls that are "hard to get". Mainly because we are warm hearted friendly people whom hold respect for men and women alike and could never imagine treating anyone in a way that seems "hard to get". Face it. We're too nice.

I have made a pact with my friend. We have agreed not to contact the certain guys that came up in this conversation, and although it seems easy. I find it extraordinarily hard to take someone off my mind when all I can think of are ways to try and make them consider me as a friend and make connections again. For all the bad that someone can do to me, I only ever see the good in someone. It is not until a friend almost puts me up against a mirror and allows me to face the truth, that I will accept it.

After a lovely few wines with this young lady, I rushed off to meet Roshni. Now Roshni and I have a history that dates back a good 3 years. She has seen me through all the extremes. Yet, however different we are, we also have a mutual girl understanding. We went to watch the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I was moved by this film, the first comment I made once the film finished was, "This was exactly the type of movie I needed to see in this frame of mind". I loved it. The movie really exaggerated many attitudes and beliefs I had tried so hard to grasp in life, the things I tell myself over and over to help look at life on a more positive side. However, like having the same teacher since you were 5, you get bored of listening to the same monotone voice slamming off the same 'bumper sticker' phrases about life and how it should be lived. This movie gave me inspiration in a way that it reinforced my outlook on life. There were many quotes that I heard and thought...'I wish I could remember that so I can write it some where and allow it to make me smile'. With my passion to travel, it ticked all the boxes for me and has sparked off some new ideas for my life long plans.

Once the movie was over, Roshni and I went on our usual spontaneous walk, looking for the first thing to do. As we walked down Queen Street, we were approached by a young girl, who sounded latina. She handed us a leaflet to get free drinks in a bar. Great, our ticket to something unplanned. We went to the bar, had a drink and a giggle and felt extremely light and happy after the movie. We continued the night with some food and a rampage of the phone book on my phone. With certain numbers deleted and my own self discipline kicking in, I have decided to break the relationship with my phone and the numbers I was beginning to use on a regular basis.

Even under the influence of a few wines, I feel refreshed from the bubble wrap layer I was sheilding myself with, I have new ideas... now is for transforming them... not dwelling on the old ideas.

I'll leave you with a few quotes from the book/movie-

Eat Pray Love

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced
life."

"Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)