I am sat here at 1-2am, under the influence of 3 glasses of wine, after watching a good philosophical movie plus an emotional rollercoaster of an evening dealing with my own feelings and the tough topic of the opposite sex.
This psychological lull I have found myself in lately, has very much depended on external sources. One of which I confronted today. With great heartache, yet delight I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders. Once again I have placed myself in the 'I'm sick of getting messed around' category of single women. Two weeks ago, I thought I had swam to the surface of that story. Assuming that I had come out of it, I refused to think the worst of a situation.
Today, after spending a lot of time in the lurch- which I find a lot of men do and just don't care that they are treating a woman like that...or just don't even realise- I had a text that confirmed that, well... it was just not meant to be. Silence was how I reacted on the surface, but deep inside me there was rage. Rage that I could, once again, slip into this slimey repetative circle that seems to encompass me.
I realise I had not broken free from that single woman category I had placed myself in. Instead, I am leading myself to believe that men live with no acknowledgement of how the system of feelings and emotions operates in the opposite sex. I know there are guys out there that do, I respect them, but it seems that the men who do have an acknowledgement and an appreciation for how women feel, are all gone...taken...vanished from the streets of singlehood. And to be honest... Good on them! Now I am starting to ramble...Appologies!
This evening, I had the message that made me feel sick. Sick that I had wasted my time and effort on someone who turned out not worthy of it (or maybe they are but will never show it to me). I went to meet a friend in town for a wine. To be honest I do not know this friend exceedingly well, but we have a meeting point, a mutual understanding about men. I realised that, you don't have to know someone greatly, to have a spark, to have that great conversation and to make each other feel better. We poured our hearts out. She said things to me that have cemented in my mind and made me consider things on an entirely different level. We came to the conclusion that all we had found in the likes of single men were...excuse my language...a'holes. We discussed difficulties we have when it comes to moving on from men like the ones we found, and although it is not love, we struggle to be those ideal girls that are "hard to get". Mainly because we are warm hearted friendly people whom hold respect for men and women alike and could never imagine treating anyone in a way that seems "hard to get". Face it. We're too nice.
I have made a pact with my friend. We have agreed not to contact the certain guys that came up in this conversation, and although it seems easy. I find it extraordinarily hard to take someone off my mind when all I can think of are ways to try and make them consider me as a friend and make connections again. For all the bad that someone can do to me, I only ever see the good in someone. It is not until a friend almost puts me up against a mirror and allows me to face the truth, that I will accept it.
After a lovely few wines with this young lady, I rushed off to meet Roshni. Now Roshni and I have a history that dates back a good 3 years. She has seen me through all the extremes. Yet, however different we are, we also have a mutual girl understanding. We went to watch the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I was moved by this film, the first comment I made once the film finished was, "This was exactly the type of movie I needed to see in this frame of mind". I loved it. The movie really exaggerated many attitudes and beliefs I had tried so hard to grasp in life, the things I tell myself over and over to help look at life on a more positive side. However, like having the same teacher since you were 5, you get bored of listening to the same monotone voice slamming off the same 'bumper sticker' phrases about life and how it should be lived. This movie gave me inspiration in a way that it reinforced my outlook on life. There were many quotes that I heard and thought...'I wish I could remember that so I can write it some where and allow it to make me smile'. With my passion to travel, it ticked all the boxes for me and has sparked off some new ideas for my life long plans.
Once the movie was over, Roshni and I went on our usual spontaneous walk, looking for the first thing to do. As we walked down Queen Street, we were approached by a young girl, who sounded latina. She handed us a leaflet to get free drinks in a bar. Great, our ticket to something unplanned. We went to the bar, had a drink and a giggle and felt extremely light and happy after the movie. We continued the night with some food and a rampage of the phone book on my phone. With certain numbers deleted and my own self discipline kicking in, I have decided to break the relationship with my phone and the numbers I was beginning to use on a regular basis.
Even under the influence of a few wines, I feel refreshed from the bubble wrap layer I was sheilding myself with, I have new ideas... now is for transforming them... not dwelling on the old ideas.
I'll leave you with a few quotes from the book/movie-
Eat Pray Love
"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced
life."
"Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
No comments:
Post a Comment